


When You Stare Into the Abyss (it becomes you)

by Enk



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Excessive Violence, Gen, Odin's A+ Parenting, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Sibling Love, Torture, but not really, flaying, nods to norse mythology, really really violent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-05
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 01:39:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/555456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enk/pseuds/Enk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Loki fell from the rainbow bridge, he stared into the abyss and the abyss stared back. He fell until he was found by someone only known as The Other. Lost and filled with despair, he is put through hell in order to prove himself worthy for His plans. In the present, Thor has returned Loki to Asgard, but never would he have imagined his brother's return to tear their family, their world apart. Asgard is at the brink of civil war and none of them could have imagined the horrors they would have to face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2012 marvel_bang. It's been a long time since I have written something which made me cry while writing. This fic has been months in the making and is incredibly dear to my heart. I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Phenomenal art by rexluscus [ over here, yay!](http://rexluscus.livejournal.com/432738.html)
> 
> Thanks to acadecian, neon_footpring (awesome betas), seanchaidh (amazing cheerleader), and tracy7307 (brilliant word war partner) and everyone in ontda for being as supportive and fantastic as they have been through this <33

_The last thing he saw was his brother nearly leaping off the cracked remains of the rainbow bridge. The last thing he heard was his brother crying out his name. The last thing he remembered of his old life was coming to the realization that neither Thor nor Odin would be able to save him now._

_Darkness._

_The silence became deafening, and after some time, the only thing left were his own thoughts. As time passed, or didn't, his brain began to twist and churn and writhe under the looming void. Sometimes, he would wonder if he had died, but death was too sweet a prize. Instead, his brain conjured images, memories of Asgard, images of his brother, his mother, the family he would never have again._

_Sometimes, he dared to hope Thor would find him. He imagined his brother extending his hand and smile: “come now brother, join me on a new adventure”._

_But Thor never came. Never extended his hand. Never smiled. Never saved Loki from his fate. And Loki realized, perhaps even knew, that he never would. No one mourned him in Asgard now. Thor surely was crowned king, surely knew the kind of monster Loki was. Instead of a funeral, they would have a feast, a celebration. Thor had done it once more: saved the known world and slain the beast. They would offer their condolences but they would be hollow words, meaningless. Odin would be forgiven for having placed false hope in a monster for the sake of peace._

_They would be heroes, and his mother, his 'mother', she would - rightfully disgusted - erase all evidence, all memory of the monster that had disguised itself as her son like a cuckoo, like a parasite. She would conjure the will to forget as quickly as possible. He knew with certainty he was not dead when his mind, forever cruel, called forth but the fondest memories of his mother's smile, her bright laugh, her soothing embrace._

_He did not realize he wept until his sobs and cries echoed through the silence. His heart was tight in his chest, so tight he could barely draw a breath. Everything, every cell ached and mourned and longed  for another chance, for the ability to beg forgiveness, to make things right once more. The despair was darker than the night around him. The abyss inside his heart deeper than this void. In his utter impotence, his mind clung desperately to comforting memories, but they were all drowned in the ever-growing chasm that had spread into his gut. He tried and tried again until his memories began to fade until, in his panic, he no longer could conjure his mother's face, until his insides were wound so tight, he was sure he was coming apart._

_Loki screamed._

_He screamed until his voice gave way, until his vocal chords tore, until the white of his eyes was stained red, and all he could taste was the metallic tang of blood. Until he clearly saw his brother holding him over the side of the rainbow bridge and toss him into the the abyss below, laughing, rejoicing for the beast was slain._

_The sudden impact when his body hit the ground of an asteroid was enough to crack and break his ribs. Loki felt his internal organs rupture, felt his teeth sever his tongue. Bile burnt as it rose in his throat, and then, for a long while, he felt nothing at all._

***

The world dematerializes in front of Thor and he feels a familiar lurch in his stomach. He can smell home before he sees it: glorious Asgard. The golden glow of its cities used to warm Thor's heart, but he is here burdened with sorrow and grief. He's failed Asgard, but more importantly, he's failed his brother and allowed him to descend into whatever this madness was.

“Come, brother.” He takes Loki by the arm, but instead of taking him to the dungeons of Asgard, he takes him to his room. It's the right thing to do. Thor knows his father will sentence Loki to the dungeons soon enough. That's when Thor will move on, but until then, he still clings to the hope that doing his brother a kindness might bring back a sliver of the man he had been. He likes to think he sees a flash of surprise in Loki's eyes when he realizes his room hadn't been touched since he'd fallen.

“Mother kept it this way.” Thor knows his smile is sad. “She never gave up hope you might one day return to us.” He chains Loki to an armchair. The links themselves are infused with magic, preventing Loki from accessing his powers. Thor wants to remove the muzzle but knows better; even without magic Loki's skills for persuasion were too tempting for even the noblest of guards. He puts his hand on Loki's shoulder. He expects him to flinch. He does not expect him to try and escape his touch like it was a hot iron burning his skin,  the sudden violent convulsion, or the ragged breathing that heaves his chest.

“Brother?” He speaks, his brain immediately reprimanding him because he knows his brother cannot reply. Loki does indeed not answer, nor does seem to realize Thor is even there. He removes his hand and sighs as he watches his brother battle whatever demons his brain has conjured. “I only wish to help you.”

Mjolnir is in his hand before the door swings fully open.

“Thor!” Odin's voice booms throughout the halls. “You returned without word!” Odin embraces Thor but it feels hollow. Since Loki's fall, the Allfather had been a different man.

“Father-” Thor stops when he sees the guards accompanying Odin. “What is the meaning of this?”

“My son,” Odin nods at the guards, who remove Loki from the chair and drag him to his feet, “it is our law that he must await his judgement in the dungeons. I cannot make exceptions, especially not in times like these when peace is threatened so.”

Thor balls his fists but says nothing as the guards drag Loki away. He knows his father sees Loki as beyond redemption, beyond reason. And perhaps he is, but Thor cannot allow himself to accept that yet. Loki is his brother, blood or not, it does not matter. Thor vows he will find a way to reach through the veil of madness.

“What will you do with him?” Thor looks at his father as they walk along the halls.

“He will be judged according our laws, the laws of Asgard, not Jotunheim, not Midgard.” Before Thor can speak, Odin continues with a sigh. “Even now, you care for your would-be brother. Even after  all he has done. It is a true mark of a king and of a fool.”

“He is my bro-”

“Remember son,” Odin doesn't allow him to finish, “choose your battles wisely, and do not let sentiment cloud your judgement.”

Thor doesn't reply. He rather lets his father think he's won the argument than risk Odin forbidding him access to the dungeons.

“Tomorrow, I will convene with the council and we-”

“Council? You said he was to be judged-”

“By Asgardian law. Yes, but too much has happened. Loki tried to bring war to peaceful shores. He nearly destroyed Jotunheim and Earth. I will not risk this fragile peace without regarding the other worlds and what they have lost.”

Thor takes a deep breath. He knows his younger self would have started an argument. However, this is not about him... only perhaps it is. He bows his head.

“I understand,” he says. “If it please you, father, I would be present to observe the wisdom of the council.”

“Very well,” Odin nods. “I will send for you when it is time. Thor, I will ask you for one favour in return: allow me to tell your mother that you have returned Loki to Asgard. She has taken to bed with malaise of the heart since I have sent you to Midgard. I wish to ease her fragile mind gently.”

“Of course,” Thor takes his leave. He should return to his chambers, eat, bathe, perhaps bed a woman, sing songs of victory, but he cannot bring himself to celebrate. After Loki's fall, when Odin had crowned Thor to be the future king, he had felt numb and overwhelmed. Now all he can feel is sorrow and despair.

He sneaks into the kitchens for food. Out in the halls, a feast is roaring, but he takes care not to be seen. The last thing he wants is to be seen, to be dragged into the crushing noise and cheer. His return does not feel triumphant return nor a victory. It feels like failure, and he no longer thinks he has an appetite.

“Eat this.” Solveig, his caretaker when he was but a babe, places a bowl of porridge in his hands. “It will nourish and keep you strong.”

“Thank you, Solveig.” He eats quietly, sitting on a bench in the back of the kitchens while his friends take bets upon which maidens he would be bedding. The cheers and songs swell and Thor closes his eyes as he finishes the last bite.

“It is not a day for glory.” Solveig squeezes his shoulder and takes the bowl from him. “Do not be troubled. It is natural to feel as such for your kin.”

“I would be better off to see him for the monster he...” is. Was. Always has been. In truth, Thor never felt his brother a monster, still does not.

“But you do not.” She smiles at him. “Do not fault yourself for loving your brother. Family is meant for unconditional love. Even when it has become forgotten.” She looks out onto the feast where Odin raises his glass and sings another song.

“I am going to bed.” Thor cannot stomach more of this. “Thank you again, Solveig, for everything.” He embraces her before quietly leaving for his chambers. He means to fall into his bed and sleep in the hopes that when he waked, everything will have been but a bad dream.

As darkness veils the lands, Thor finds himself in front of his brother's former chambers. He enters quietly, almost waiting for Loki's protests. Of course there would be none. He had seen Loki dragged into the dungeons not long ago. Still, he can almost hear his brother's voice complaining about a lack of privacy, or Thor's presence breaking his concentration and ruining whatever magic he was attempting to conjure.

Thor sits on Loki's bed and pulls a sphere from the bedside table, a trinket from their childhood, a riddle box.  He plays with it for a while, bringing forth all the good memories they have had. There were so many, their lives never had any particular hardship. They had been close, never distant, never alienated. And now, now Thor feels as though they could not possibly be further apart.

“I am sorry, brother.” He whispers into the dark. “I am sorry I failed you.”

The tears come suddenly. He cannot stop them, cannot suppress the knot inside his guts slowly unravelling. He clutches the sheets and the riddle box falls from his lap. When sleep finally claims his tortured mind, he is still clutching the sheets, still clinging to hope.

***

_“It is time to wake now.” A voice slithered into Loki's dreams. He had to see before he opened his eyes, but the magic here did not flow like it did in the known world. He could see nothing but darkness._

_“You are still weak.” The voice continued to slide inside his ears, inside his head._

_Loki opened his mouth to speak, but he cannot make a noise. His eyes snapped open and he sat up in a panic, but strong arms forced him back onto whatever he was laying on._

_“You are weak. You may be a god in your realms, but here Loki Laufeyson, you have much to learn.” The voice belonged to a creature, gaunt in face but strong in body._

_"What is this place?" He reached out with his mind. "How did I get here?"_

_"All will come in time," the voice was gentle, "I promise you that. For now, you must rest." The creature, perhaps not creature, the being, placed its hand on Loki's cheek. He closed his eyes. It had been long, lifetimes perhaps, since someone had shown him a kindness, since he had felt a gentle touch. He tried not to lean into it, tried to keep away, but the warmth that spread across his cheek was soothing and familiar._

_"You're all right, my son." The voice became familiar, too. The touch suddenly felt like one he had known for so many years. "You're safe here."_

_He didn't open his eyes. Instead, he reached with his mind again to see and this time, it was not darkness that greeted him, but a haze, a curtain through which he could make out a vague figure. Vague, but incredibly familiar all the same, he would recognize his mother by her scent alone._

_"Mother?" She could not be here. It was impossible, but against all hope, Loki believed._

_"I will always be here for you, my son." Frigga's image smiled upon him through the haze. He knew he was safe here now. She would not let him come to harm._

_He reached for her and a wave of pain exploded in his gut and torso, but how could he not. He needed to touch her, needed to make sure he silenced what little doubt he had left. For a moment, he expected her form to fade, to disappear when he was about to touch her. Instead, he felt her hand grasp his and bring it to her mouth for a gentle kiss._

_The hoarse sob torn from Loki's throat echoed across the barren landscape he could not see. He curled into himself to rest his head in her lap as he cried once more. He did not see the creature, the being any more. He was back in Asgard, not upon the barren grounds of an asteroid. All he could see was his mother's gentle form, caressing his hair as he cried upon her skirt when in truth, he cried upon the barren rock as a six-fingered creature held his hand._

***

Morning comes quickly, and Thor wakes in pain. His heart, his gut, every bone inside his body hurts. He has woken from nights of ale feeling better than this.

"Thor!" He can hear voices before he opens his eyes. "We did not think we would find you here in the devil's lair. Alas, Sif, you have won this wager!" He hears Fandral's voice over the rest of them. Someone, Sif, sits upon the bed beside Thor.

"Do not listen to them." She pats his arm. "They are just glad to have you back once more."

The light thankfully is not as bright as Thor expects it to be when he opens his eyes. He is still tired, but the lead begins to fall off his limbs as he sees his friends. They are a soothing balm after all the despair he has felt.

"My friends," he smiles. The smile comes easier than he expects it.

"Aye, friends who kept a boar on the fire for you all night until it was barely edible." Volstagg shakes his head.

"I apologize for keeping you waiting with my absence." He wants to tell them how he feels, but he also remembers how quickly they turned on Loki, how quickly they had been to judge. "I was weary from travels. The tesseract does not travel as easily as the Bifrost did."

They do not believe him. He can tell by their faces. Sif is the only one who does not have an off-put look upon her face. It does not matter. The quarrels between the Odinsons concerned none else now. There is a rift between them where his brother is concerned, a rift that grows ever wider with passing time.

"Are you at least joining us for a morning feast?" Volstagg reaches across the abyss with a smile. "I have been starving, waiting for you." If only one man's bottomless gut could mend all that is broken.

"I am." Thor's stomach growls in agreement and they laugh. For a moment, life is easy again. They head to the halls where breakfast awaits them in great glory: eggs, hog's hock, bacon, pheasant, freshly baked bread, and so much more. Enough to feed a human army. Thor eats because for now he can suppress the nagging in his gut, because Volstagg's jests and Fandral's still unsuccessful advances on the Lady Sif are borne in ease, are borne in a life he once knew:  a life where they all were happy, a life where he would keep on his toes, lest Loki entangle him in one prank or another before laughing at Thor's temporary embarrassment. Loki.

"My friends," he smiles, heart heavy, "I thank you for always standing by me."

"What are you going to do?" Sif takes a drink and looks at him. She knows he is up to something. By Hogun's half-smile, Thor can tell he also knows. Fandral clues in a few moments later. And Volstagg, well he tries to ignore the whole thing in favour of another ostrich's egg.

"Father will send for me to attend the council's ruling."

"And you will speak on your brother's behalf." Hogun looks at him. What good is there to deny it? They already know and Thor will not run risk that they tell Heimdall or Odin of his plans.

"My father is allowing my presence only to observe, but how could I not speak for him?"

"And if you do, what happens then?" Sif's lips are narrow. None of them think it a good idea, but none of them tell him not to. There are no words of protest, no trying to convince him otherwise. Just an uncomfortable silence.

"Do not think me foolish. I know he cannot have his freedom." Thor puts down his drink. "I know he has done horrible things, and in my dreams, I would not dare defend his actions. I know you wish me to forget kinship on account he is not my brother in blood. Even so, there is no change in the bond I feel within my heart. He remains my brother and I care not if you or father approve."

Silence hangs between them for a few moments.

“Then you should go to the throne hall right now.” Sif says, not looking at him.

“Why?”

She looks up but says nothing.

Thor is out of his chair and running down the corridors in seconds.

***

_When Loki awoke again, the world was silent. Again, he reached out before he opened his eyes and instead of the fog, he saw a barren wasteland of dust and stone. There were controls and displays embedded into the rocks and in the distance it looked as though they became stairs that led somewhere else; somewhere he was not supposed to be. Quietly, he concentrated and allowed his mind to slip from his body, the magic now flowed more easily through him. This place was different, but it was not beyond his skill. He allowed his astral form to move quietly past himself but he dared not look back out of fear of what he would see._

_The barren rock did not extend too far, perhaps a mile. Loki let himself look up and he saw many asteroids knit together by the same odd stairs and bridges of rock and technology. This place was unlike any he had ever seen before. He walked past a formation that looks as though it houses controls of sort, but he does not yet dare to touch anything. He wandered slowly, allowing his astral self to feel the rock beneath his fingers, oddly warm, oddly alive. When he had explored every nook, every crevasse, he turned his attention back to the stairs. He could feel himself not too distant, so he decided to take the first step and when nothing happened, he boldly took another, and another._

_The creature appeared suddenly with a shriek and blocked his path. He was too taken aback, too surprised to hold his astral form and slammed back into himself with force enough to take his breath. His eyes flew open and despite the pain he moved fast enough to evade the creature's blow. He stood, panting and holding his side, ready to defend himself when the creature laughed._

_"You learn much faster than we had anticipated, Son of Laufey." The creature relaxed and stepped away from Loki. "The magic here is much different from yours and none before you were able to even begin to assimilate the skills we can offer. And yet you, you simply take them and make them yours. He will be pleased and perhaps even deem you worthy."_

_"If-" Loki tested his vocal chords and to his surprise they held up well. "If it would please you, I would speak." He bowed ever so slightly._

_"You have found your words once more." The creature smiled with many yellow teeth. "Go ahead then. Speak."_

_"Forgive my bold behaviour," he neighed his head a bit, just enough to emphasize his words, "but I do not know whereforth I am nor how I came to be in such kind and merciful company. You know my name, but you do not know that I am not Son of Laufey but Odinson. I beg you tell me what has come to pass while I found myself without consciousness."_

_"You are Odinson no more, my boy." The creature looked at him and while Loki could not see his eyes, he could feel the pity it felt for him. "You fell a very long way, for a very long time and perhaps your memory deceives you even now, but it was Odin and his son who cast you into the abyss."_

_"What?" Loki felt the cold creep into his bones. "My brother meant to save me."_

_"Is that truly what you remember?" The creature extended his hand. "Allow me to show you."_

_"How can I trust you?"_

_"You cannot." He still held out his hand. "But you are neither dead nor imprisoned and that is more than most who came here could say."_

_Loki took his hand._

***

Thor runs along the corridors. He never would have thought his father to trick him has he did. Of all things, using his friends to stall, Thor can barely suppress his anger, but he has to move fast now, has to reach the council chambers before a sentence is spoken. He needs to speak on Loki's behalf, plead for leniency. The doors burst open when he runs through them.

"Father, I dema-" He is ready to shout, to bring forth a passionate plea, but the council chamber is empty. "No!" Thor paces for a moment before he lets out an angry cry. "Heimdall! Tell me where they are!"

He doesn't really expect an answer. Heimdall has sworn allegiance to Odin and it has been clear that his loyalties cannot be changed. His hatred for Loki is barely contained. Thor understands, Loki has tricked them all one way or another, but to Heimdall, tricking all-seeing eyes was beyond a jest, it was a humiliation. So, Thor is surprised when he feels the inexplicable need to check the throne hall.

The hall is filled with people. Why were there so many? Thor doesn't understand the on-goings when he walks toward the throne.

"Father," he has many questions, but Odin will not let him have them.

"My son," his smile is weary, "you have come at the right time."

"The right time for what?" However, as Thor nears the throne and sees Loki, wrists shackled, kneeling on the ground, he knows.

"The execution of sentence upon Loki, Son of Laufey."

Loki flinches as if struck. Thor cannot see his eyes, but he knows they must be filled with despair. Son of Laufey. Three words that tear away any title, any kinship he may have had as an Odinson and reduces him to nothing but the runt of a litter a dead king once had. Thor means to speak but his father holds up a hand.

"He has been found guilty of the destruction of Jotunheim, the city of New York, of conjuring lies and deceptions, of bringing shame to this house and for using his gifts to bring harm to those who around him. His sentence shall be exile beyond the reaches of these peaceful realms. However, to prevent his escape, to prevent him from conjuring words to ensnare those who might come upon his form, he will be prevented from uttering another word."

One of the guards brings forth a small chest and stands in front of Thor. Upon Odin's nod, he opens it, revealing a glover’s needle threaded with thick thread glistening of enchantment. There is a tension in the audience that Thor cannot place: Schadenfreude perhaps, or consternation. He's not sure but he can feel something electric in the air that he can't quite describe. When some of them begin to cheer, he feels sick in his gut.

"You cannot ask me to do that!"

"You are not asked, Thor Odinson," Odin rises from his throne, "you, as my successor, are commanded to sew the words from this traitor, this embarrassment to Asgard!"

Just as many cheer as they stay silent.

"You are ordering me to sew shut the mouth of my brother with this?" Thor takes the awl and thread and tosses it to the floor. Everyone falls silent now.

"No," Odin's voice is quiet now, "that I cannot for you have no brother."

He hears Loki's sob, subdued, trying to keep it all hidden inside away from this humiliation, but Thor is close enough to hear. He takes a deep breath and blinks away tears that form in the corner of his eyes. He never imagined this, this public humiliation as punishment, as sport to some it seemed. While Loki had done great wrongs, none deserved this.

"I will not." He stands tall and only from the corner of his eyes sees Loki's head snap toward him.

The silence is laden with tension as Odin stares at Thor, grips his spear a little tighter. Instead of shouting, instead of demanding, instead of attacking, all things Thor expects, he returns to his throne and sits, calm and collected. He leans back a little into the throne and looks at Thor, disappointed, but there is something else there. Something Thor does not yet dare to recognize.

"Very well, my son." He looks over the crowd. "My son is right. He should not exercise this punishment. Why would I burden him so when we know who has broken our laws, who has brought such grief to Asgard only to reward it with despair."

Beside Thor, Loki picks up the glover's needle and thread, shaking as he holds them.

"What are you doing, Loki?" Thor hisses but Loki does not respond.

"Please!" It is the first time Thor has heard Loki speak since his return. His voice is broken, desperate, pleading. Thor's heart breaks when he hears.

"Liesmith!" Odin shouts. "We will not dirty our fingers with your monstrous blood!"

"Loki, you have nothing to prove here." Thor places his hand on Loki's shoulder. "Stop."

"I-" Loki moves the needle to his lip, "I can't."

When Thor looks at his brother, he sees tears run freely from his eyes. His hands and thighs shake from strain as if he's fighting the movement of his arms with all his might. He touches his skin with the needle and looks at Thor, his eyes wide with terror, chest heaving as though he cannot catch his breath. He is pale, incredibly pale as he cries and the crowd around them cheers. On his throne, Odin concentrates and as he nods, Loki's hand, not controlled by himself but by Odin's mind begins to pierce flesh. Slowly. Excruciatingly slow. Loki's sobs echo in the hall.

"Stop this madness!" Thor tries to stay Loki's hand. "Father stop!" But Odin does not and blood begins to flow down Loki's chin just as tears begin to flow down Thor's cheeks. "I'll do it! Stop this madness! I'll do it!"

Loki falls limp beside him, the needle still stuck on his lower lip. His whole body shudders as Odin releases him.

"You are a cruel old man." Thor kneels beside his brother. "This is not punishment. This is humiliation. This is-"

"You will be silent whilst you do as you are told, boy, or there will be dire consequences."

Thor holds his tongue and takes a breath before cupping his brother's face with his hand. He knows he is crying but he cannot see it as weakness. Any brother, any sister would be affected like this in the face of such... disregard of kin.

"I am so sorry, Loki." He kisses his brother's forehead and brushes some of the hair from his face. "You will never cease to be my brother." He whispers in his ear. Loki shivers and then, the tension leaves his body when he looks at Thor, eyes reddened with tears. He swallows, the needle moving in his lip, and nods at Thor. Silent permission to do what he has. A silent pact.

Thor closes his eyes and takes another deep breath. He can feel impatience echo through the room, a silent murmur still but he knows it will grow if he does not move. Loki still looks humiliated, defeated, and worse of all, he looks as though he has given up. He takes Loki's hands and places them on the front of his shirt before gently taking his head in hand. He does not expect Loki to lean against him, but when he does, Thor caresses his hair.

Suddenly, they are no longer in a hall filled with Aesir. It is as though their connection has drowned out all others who would look upon them with ill will. Thor does not look at his father when he holds Loki's head tightly against his chest. He does not look upon the crowd around them when he slides the needle through Loki's upper lip. He just holds his brother tighter when he grips his shirt in pain.

"I have you, brother." He whispers softly as the needle slides through flesh. "They cannot harm you anymore." He nearly pauses when a sob escapes from Loki’s throat, but he cannot afford this luxury if he wants this over quickly. Inside his mind, he counts the times the needle pierces flesh; he counts the times Loki's fingers dig into his chest to keep from pulling back; and when he pulls the needle from Loki's flesh a final time, his eyes capture Odin's gaze as he silently swears revenge.

"It is done then." Odin nods at Thor, proud perhaps, but Thor can feel distrust growing inside the old man.

"There shall be a feast before the monster's banishment!" Most of the crowd cheers, but Thor notices those that do not, those that look conflicted, some even openly disgusted. What just transpired in these halls is perverse revenge in Thor's eyes and he kneels with his brother, shielding him from triumphant looks as the crowd disperses to the feasting halls. He hates them. He hates them all and for the first time he knows how his brother must have felt.

The hall emptied after Odin announced the feast, leaving only a handful of guards, Odin himself, Thor and a shaking Loki still kneeling on the floor.

"Return him to the dungeons." Odin orders the guards and Thor finds himself standing protectively in front of Loki, trying to erase the image of bloodied thread silencing him forever. He shields him from their view. No one else was to touch his brother again.

 

"What is the meaning of this?" Frigga enters from behind the throne, a goblet in her hand. "I asked you not for a sleeping draught, my husband. What is-" Her eyes fall on Thor and now he shields her from his brother's form for he does not wish to upset his mother further. Frigga looks at him. She must see Loki behind him though he hopes she cannot see what he has done to his own brother. She slowly turns to Odin. "Dear husband, what is the meaning of this?"

"I- I did not wish to upset you." There is something between his parents Thor has never before seen. Distrust. "With Loki's return."

"Loki's return." Her voice is barely in control now. Thor cannot remember a time he has seen his mother so angry. Her hair is fallen golden and loose over her shoulders and even in her shift, she still looks like a queen. "My son has been returned and you put me to sleep perchance to not upset me?"

"My love," Odin reaches out for her and for a moment her face softens. "My love, he is not your son."

"How dare you!" Something between them shatters, and Thor knows it may be irreparable. "He is my son! I nursed the boy to health! I took him in as my own and my own he now is! I have two sons and one of them I thought dead and now he is returned to me and you dare not tell me because you think him your child no longer?!"

"He has brought destruction and despair to-"

"And so had Thor and I still love him! They are my sons, you near-sighted old man! Thor, let me see him."

"Mother I don't-"

"Let me see him!!!" Her voice cracks at the pitch and if he had not known his mother, he would think her mad. He knows there is no madness in her eyes, just anger and rage and a bond he could never fathom to understand. So he steps aside, Loki still on his knees, hands shackled to his front, blood dripping from his chin onto the floor. The sound that escapes his mother breaks Thor's heart.

"It is part of his-" Odin begins.

"Don't you dare speak! Don't you dare explain! Thor, what happened?"

"It was me." His voice is small. "I did this."

The silence in the room is unbearable as Frigga stares upon her sons and then turns to look upon her husband.

"Mother, I-"

"Don't, my son." Her sole focus is on Odin now. "You pit them against each other like wild dogs and then you force their hands like this? For the kingdom to watch like sport? You are no king."

"Woman, know your place."

The slap echoes across the hall like the crack of thunder. Odin's head snaps back from the unexpected force and two guards move closer but he waves them off.

"Do not worry yourself with your king, take away the traitor and prepare him for banishment. I will deal with you both later."

The guards move toward Loki but before Thor can think to conjure his hammer, Frigga stands in front of them both.

"You will not touch my son." Her voice is firm.

"What are you doing, Frigga?" Odin's voice is suddenly tired.

"You took my son before, you will not take him again."

"I did not take your-"

"You could have saved him!" Her voice is incredibly loud, accusing. "You are the ALLfather. You have command of space and time itself, you could have saved him!"

"He did not wish to be saved."

"He is a confused and angry boy. He does not know what he wants! You could have saved him, but you did not and now you banish him. Banish him where? Somewhere the crows can pick at his eyes? Perhaps somewhere to roll a boulder up a hill? How is this punishment when in truth you merely do not wish to be reminded of your failures."

"Enough!" Odin slams his staff onto the ground. The entire hall reverberates beneath the force. "His punishment has been agreed upon and will be executed as such. I have indulged your hysteric whims long enough. Get thee to your chambers for rest and mourn your son once more for tomorrow, you will have lost him for the final time. Thor, take him."

How can a son choose between his parents? His father, whom not only has declared him heir but given him a chance to redeem himself, or his mother, who has never given up on him. He closes his eyes and hopes to buy more time when he reaches for Loki's arm to help him up. He is too surprised when his mother grabs his arm and throws herself over Loki. He is stunned when with a crack of lightning the world disappears and all that is left is his father's scream, unintelligible and filled with rage, ringing in his ears.


	2. Part 2

_"You are not alone now, son." the Other placed his hand on Loki's shoulder. A casual touch to anyone else, but to Loki it was like a warm embrace. "But He requires you prove your commitment and that you are worthy of his trust."_  
  
 _"What do I have to do?" Loki looked at the Other, where others would have seen a strange beast, he saw only acceptance and the possibility to fit in. He did not say 'I will do anything', it was implied._  
  
 _"First? Endure."_  
  
 _How Loki found himself tied to a pole in a pit on a different asteroid in the field, he was not quite certain. His arms and legs were spread apart and chained to rock. There were perhaps a hundred creatures, similar to The Other but not quite, who surrounded him.  The Other was there, too, standing beside him. Loki could sense a smile even if he could not see._  
  
 _"Endurance. Pain. Becoming one with who we are. He sees this as strength."_  
  
 _"I am ready." More than anything Loki wanted it to be the truth. He wanted to forget his past and become one with his future._  
  
 _"Then let us see who you truly are." The Other ran a blade along Loki's chest and Loki did not flinch when it sank into his skin and then his flesh. He did not scream when The Other dragged a line down his torso and back up again. He merely exhaled when The Other began to separate the skin from his flesh. The pain did not begin to wash over him until the third strip of skin was removed from his torso._  
  
 _Endurance and pain and becoming one with who he was. He let himself fall into the pain, let himself be washed over by the agony as The Other continued to flay him slowly. The pain didn’t subside, it became stronger. Loki’s eyes opened when it reached an intensity he had never before known. When he looked down, instead of seeing his muscle exposed to the air, he saw skin underneath skin, blue and cold and with every strip The Other carved from him, more was exposed._  
  
 _“No.” It was but a whimper that escaped Loki’s lips. “Please.”_  
  
 _“This is who you are.” The Other peeled away the skin from Loki’s arms, now blue, covered in the markings of the Frost Giants. “Son of Laufey.”_  
  
 _“No!” Loki screamed. “This is not who I am! I am Loki Odinson of Asgard! I am of Asgard!”_  
  
 _The Other knew no mercy, did not stop and continued to carve the skin from Loki until he was done. The hand he placed on Loki’s face burnt like hot coals. “Worry not. You will become worthy.”_  
  
 _He and the Chituari that surrounded him left, leaving Loki alone, his screams echoing in the dark._  
  
 _The pain slowly began to seep into Loki's dreams. Where there once was peace in sleep, he could feel the outside world behind a curtain, too far to reach and too close to forget. He could feel the storm on his skin and he knew the tiny grains of sand were scouring the newly forming tissue but he could not wake himself. He knew they are watching him. The dreams were gently tugging at him. Visions of Asgard, his mother, Thor, Odin, and a father who abandoned his child, they lured him, but when he managed to cling to one, they twisted and churned into nightmarish visions filled with hatred and blood that seeped into his very soul._  
  
 _Snakes twisted inside his guts. He could feel their fangs pierce his insides, their venom in his blood. The pain became blinding white and tore him from his nightmares. Loki screamed as he awoke. The Other's face was inches from his. Still, he felt a churning in his guts and when he saw The Other's smile, he knew there were no snakes, no venom. He did not look down. He knew what would await him there. The Other shifts and the pain spreads, sears through Loki's body, but there is something else. Something that lurked in the darkest corners of Loki's mind. He allowed his mind to reach for it and when he did, the pain disappeared, the panic settled, and he felt at peace with the world._  
  
 _"Please, Sir," he looked at The Other with a twisted grimace, "may I have another?" He leaned toward him, into the searing touch. And then, he laughed and for the first time since he had fallen, he felt how he remembered joy to feel, delicious, mirthful, in control. Loki tilts his head and looks at The Other who slowly pulls his hand away from him. "No? Well then, I guess it is my turn."_

 

 

 

***

  
The world reappears dark and cold and wet. Rain pours on them as though the heavens have opened up and in the distance thunder rolls. The world is dark and Thor can barely see what lies ahead. He feels nauseated, disoriented but his mother's touch on his shoulder stills him. He blinks away some of the rain and turns to her. She looks tired, gaunt, dark circles mark her eyes and he knows she must have delved deep into dark magic to bring them both here. Loki is still cowering on the ground. Thor cannot see his face and perhaps it is better that way.  
  
"Help me with him!" Frigga shouts over the thunder. It is closer now and Thor instinctively reaches for his hammer... which is not there. It must still be in his brother's chamber.  
  
"I do not have Mjolnir!" He feels a bit like a child asking for his favourite toy.  
  
"Just help me." She manages to pull Loki to his feet, but whatever strength or resolve there had been in him, vanished as he stumbles against her and she has a hard time holding him up. "Thor!"  
  
As lightning strikes not far from them, it illuminates the barren land around them: rocks and crags and in the distance Thor sees mountains. He grips his brother by the waist and holds him strong, but when he sees his mother struggle with her step, he quietly apologizes to his brother and throws him over his shoulder. Frigga touches his arm gently and smiles at him before picking up her skirt and beginning to walk across what appears to be treacherous terrain. The earth shakes beneath them as lighting strikes again, closer this time, so close Thor can smell the ozone.  
  
"Hurry!" His mother leads them toward the mountains.  
  
"Where are we?!" He tries to shout but the wind begins to howl and steals his words. The world around him flickers and shakes from day bright to darkest night in but moments. He can feel the ground incline beneath his feet, but his eyes are blinded by light and wind and rain. Thor cannot see what lies ahead or what they have left behind. He cannot see his mother and all he has is the weight of his brother on his shoulder to ground him. Lighting strikes but a few paces from him and he nearly loses balance. Everything hurts and the thunder is deafening and for a moment, he feels as though they will die out here.  
  
"Mother?!" He almost allows panic to sweep his mind away, but he remembers why they're here and keeps moving until he feels a hand gently on his arm, but when he turns, Frigga is not there.  
  
"In here, my sons." Her voice is a hushed whisper inside their minds and Thor now sees the opening of a cave in the side of the mountain. Refuge. With a roar, he pushes onward, defeats the demons of doubt nagging inside his mind, and with the last of his strength, makes it to the cave. He carefully puts Loki down before letting himself sink to the floor, panting to catch his breath. He looks around when his lungs no longer burn. The cave is shallow, the walls declining steeply after but a few paces. The walls are lit by a fire in a corner where the wind does not reach it.  
  
A large fur skin lines the ground where the angle of the ceiling is the lowest. Thor sees his mother’s satchel tucked away in a corner. There are a few kindling of fire wood, a few branches, not enough to last very long. Looking around, he does not remember this place or any place like it. He does not ask. That is not what is important right now.  
  
Frigga stokes the fire and lays another kindling on it before returning to Loki's side. She looks up at Thor, her eyes still wet with tears and and full of grief. He cannot fathom what it must have cost her. He cannot bring himself to try and understand the pain she must feel to have betrayed her husband of countless years, a man she had loved so dearly. To save Loki. To save her sons. He has to blink a few times to will away the tears.  
  
"Are you-?" His voice cracks. "Are you all right, mother?" He wants to reach out to her, but watching her crouch beside Loki, he dares not interfere such a tender moment.  
  
"Fine now," she smiles, "I am fine now." She runs her hand through Loki's hair. "You are safe now, child." He shrinks away from her, eyes darting about wildly, but she is relentless, does not let him move too far away from her. Quietly, she pulls a dagger from her belt. Loki makes a noise, lips straining against the thread. His wounds open once more and blood trickles down his chin. For a moment, his muscles tense and he looks as though he may make a run for it out into the storm which wages even stronger than before. Thor leans toward them, places a hand on Loki's arm and caresses him gently.  
  
"Loki," he speaks softly, soothing he hopes, "you are safe. No one is going to hurt you."  
  
"I will release your stitches." Frigga lifts the dagger once more and Loki reaches blindly beside him, bracing himself. Thor takes his hand and Loki grips it tight. He watches his mother lean to kiss Loki's forehead. She caresses his cheek. "No matter what, you will always be my son. Always. I do not care what you have done, what you will do. Ever since I first laid eyes upon you, I have loved you as my son. Nothing can change that. Nothing." She carefully slides the blade underneath the first stitch in the corner of Loki's mouth and the magic of the blade severs the thread and then the next, and Frigga continues until every thread is severed.  
  
"Shh," Frigga pulls the strings from Loki's lips and they dissolve into thin air as they descend toward the ground. "Sleep now, child." She places her fingers on Loki's eyes  and he slowly drifts into a deep and heavy sleep, his head cradled in her lap and she caresses his hair silently as Thor leans against her and there they sit until the fire dies and the only light comes from the lightning still raging outside.  
  
The thunder continues to roll and each time it feels as if the storms may pass, they begin to roar once more. Thor watches for a long time before he feels the pull of fatigue on his eyelids.  
  
"Sleep my son," Frigga gently touches his arm. "Sleep and I will watch over you both."  
  
"Mother..." Before he can continue to speak, he feels himself giving into the lure of sleep and closes his eyes.

 

 

 

***

_When Loki woke again, his mind was heavy with sleep.  He blinked a few times about to call for his brother when he remembered. Everything. Frantic. He clawed at his sleeves (he did not remember being clad in robes), pulled them away. But instead of marked blue skin, he only found the skin of Asgard, pale and warm. The sob of relief that tore from his throat echoed through the room. Room. He looked around and found himself indeed inside a room. A room of stone, but a room no less._  
  
 _"Where am I?" He whispered softly into the dimly lit room. The light was dim, diffused and most certainly artificial. Slow and with great care did he slide from his bed, not bothered by his nudity, but uncertain why he would have found himself in a room and not back outside on the asteroid. The room appeared to be carved into rock but the furnishings were... familiar, much like the ones in his room in Asgard. The dark grey sheets were soft and silken and a black robe was draped over a luxurious, wood-carved chest. There were no windows, only a single metal door which seemed to blend into the rock. It was a comfortable room, despite the rock. Warmth emanated from the stone. Loki closed his eyes  and allowed himself to momentarily bask in the comfort of this shelter. He shouldn't allow himself any comfort, but he had a hard time stopping._  
  
 _He turned and faced the other side of the room where in a corner hidden behind heavy drapes he found the necessities for basic hygiene. Not as lavish as the rest of the room. Not by far. The luxury was superficial. Added. Covering the true mark of the room: it was a cell._  
  
 _"This is my prison." His voice was barely a breath. He felt his chest constrict and his heart began to race. A prisoner. Imprisoned by whom? The one who saved him after his fall? The one who flayed him to show him his true strength? Loki sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at the door. He wasn't sure what he could do, wasn't even sure where he could go if he managed to escape. And perhaps this was not a cell after all. Perhaps it had been converted to best suit his needs. Or perhaps he was to be kept here indefinitely. Perhaps Odin had found him. Perhaps this was his punishment._  
  
 _Loki realized he was slamming his fists against the rock. His throat felt sore and suddenly he heard his voice screaming 'let me out!’. When he looked at his hands, he saw blood dripping down his wrist, finger nails half torn off, the tips of his fingers shredded to the flesh. He saw remains of them oxidizing on the rock as the blood dried in streaks beside the door._  
  
 _The pain wasn't pain. Loki knew it should be pain, but in place, he felt the electrical impulses in his nerves respond to the sensation of his flesh scraping over the rocks; travel along the network of his nervous system until they reached his brain where it was examined, observed, and filed away. He registered the pain, and yet, he felt his arm raise and his fingers connect with the wall again. He needed to get out. Out. OUT!_  
  
 _The door opened as Loki fell to his knees or he fell to his knees because the door opened. He wasn't sure. The filed away pain created a familiar haze inside his mind, so familiar and suddenly he remembered his mother. His fist connected with the rock and beneath him the stone shook and groaned as he screamed._  
  
 _"So much pain." The Other's voice reached through the haze and Loki felt a hand upon his shoulder. "So fragile is your mind and yet, you have so much fight left." Loki looked up but the hood obscured most of The Other's face. He thought he heard a smile in the words, but he was not sure The Other had even spoken. What he was sure of was his trapped state, trapped and caged like an animal._  
  
 _"What do you want me to do?" Loki needed to get out. Needed to get away from this room._  
  
 _"It is not what I want from you, Loki." He caressed Loki's cheek. "It is what he needs you to show him."_  
  
 _“And what do I need to show him?”_  
  
 _“Loyalty.”_  
  
 _“How can I show any sort of loyalty when I am a prisoner here?” Loki looked up. He was tired, frustrated, and he could not remember the last time he had been able to think clearly. “You keep me here under the guise of proving myself, but I am no more to you than an entertaining diversion.”_  
  
 _“Do not say that.” The Other knelt in front of Loki and took his hands. “He believes in you. I believe in you.” The words he spoke reassured, soothed, and calmed._  
 _"I-," Loki found it hard to speak, hard to think. The voice inside his head slithered through his thoughts and memories, possessed them, turned them against themselves. And yet, it relieved the pain he felt in body and mind._  
  
 _"Do not fight yourself, Loki." He felt saturated, too full and yet too empty. He wanted to conjure an image of his mother, but he found that he could not._  
 _“They never loved you.” The Other’s voice soaked into his mind. “They stole you not to love you but to use you. They never loved you.” And then, it was everywhere inside Loki’s mind._

_They never loved you._ _They never loved you_ _._ _They never loved you._

 _They never loved you._ _**They never loved you.** _

  


_**They never loved you.** _

_They never loved you._ _They never loved you._ _They never loved you._

 _They never loved you._ **They never loved you.** _They never loved you._ _They never loved you._ _They never loved you._

 _They never loved you._ _They never loved you._

  


_**They never loved you.** _

  


_They never loved you._

_**They never loved you.** _ _They never loved you._

 _They never loved you._ _They never loved you._

  


_They never loved you._

_They never loved you._

  


_They never loved you._

_They never loved you._

_They never loved you._

**They never loved you.** _They never loved you._

 _They never loved you._ _They never loved you._

  


_They never loved you._

  


  


_They never loved you._

_Not like I do.***_

  


 

_"Please." He whispered as he opened his eyes. "What do you need of me?"_

_"That's it." The Other grimaced a smile and stood up, extended his hand to Loki, and pulled him standing. "He has but one final task." He placed his hand on the stone which slowly gave way to reveal a door. They walked along a corridor of stone until they reached another doorway, one which led to the stone plains where Loki remembered waking up the first time, and another after he had been flayed alive. Against the rock, there was a figure, chained with iron. Loki narrowed his eyes. He knew the stance, the golden locks- Thor._

_"What is this?!" He spat and grabbed The Other's arm._

_"His gift to you." The Other smiled and moved Loki's hand. "A glorious gift, an opportunity to rid yourself of the life that betrayed you." He pushed Loki toward the rock. "Your loyalty. Your proof that you are worthy of the glory he has planned for you."_

_Loki looked up. Behind the rock rose many like a stairway that led to a smaller asteroid floating close by. He saw but a shadowed figure, large, imposing and he could feel his power, his strength. The Other bowed, but Loki never bowed not to Man or God or anyone else. He looked up at Him, stood straight and nodded slowly for now he understood._

_"You want me to kill Thor."_

_They said nothing, but despite the dark shadows shrouding the figure, shrouding Him, Loki knew he nodded back. And for the first time since he had arrived, Loki felt truly accepted, felt like he mattered, like there was a plan and most of all, he did not want to disappoint his new... family. So, he extended his hand and allowed himself to twist and turn the magic of this world to conjure a blade, small and sharp, and stepped in front of Thor._

_"Loki?" Thor lifted his head slowly. He looked tired, beaten, but his eyes were still full of life, full of hope. Typically Thor._

_"Thor." Loki sneered._

_"Brother!" Thor straightened in his chains. "I thought you dead!"_

_"Well I wish I could say I was sorry to disappoint."_

_"Disappoint? No brother, it is a good day to see you!" He pulled at his chains. "Free me and we will take them on together. We will defeat them and return you home!"_

_"Home?" Loki laughed. "The home from which you and father cast me, abandoned me to the abyss until I found myself here. Oh no, Odin's son, your world is no longer my home. You have made that quite clear."_

_"You speak madness, brother. I have come to take you home!"_

_"So I can answer for my crimes against the Jotuns? So the Allfather can punish me as he sees fit? No, Thor, this is now my home."_

_"Brother, you come home." Thor began to tear at his chains. "What have they done to you? Is it a spell? Are they threatening you? Did they threaten to kill me if you do not do as they ask of you?"_

_Loki laughed. And laughed. Of course, Thor would assume he was so weak as that he could not withstand the lure of magic, or give into the barest threats. Thor never thought of him as his equal and Loki knew he never would._

_"You are right in one regard." Loki gently placed his hand on Thor's cheek and caressed it with his thumb. "You are indeed here to free me."_

_"I have tried to tell you! I have come to take you home."_

_"No." Loki lifted the blade. "You have come to die."_

_"What?" Thor's look was puzzled as it darted from the blade to Loki's eyes._

_"My past has long burdened me. You have long burdened me." He allowed the blade to caress Thor's cheek where his hand had moments ago. He smiled. "He has brought you to me as an offering of mutual trust and loyalty, and love."_

_"Love?" Thor spat on the ground. "Who twists you like this? He knows nothing of love. Stop this, Loki. I care not what you have done. I just want you to come home."_

_"Oh Thor," Loki felt His gaze upon him. It was time. "It is too late for that." He raised the blade._

_"Lok-" Thor's words were cut when Loki's blade severed his vocal chords, his jugular, ripped apart the arteries in his neck as Loki swung the blade with a cry. He  felt elated, near hysterically happy when he watched Thor's blood spill forth from the gape in his neck. His blue eyes dull and face contorted with pain, and despair. Loki laughed and with another cry forced the dagger into Thor's chest, spread his ribs and carved and slashed at him._

_"Is this proof enough of my loyalty?!" Loki screamed as he held up above his head Thor's heart. "Am I worthy now?" He looked around the faces of the Chitauri which had gathered to watch. "Or must I tear each and every heart from your chests and consume you, too?"  The smell of Thor's blood made him dizzy but he did not stop when he brought the heart to his lips and bit from it. "The mighty Thor is dead!"_

_Cheers and cries erupted around him. Approval. At last. The Other stood beside him. With pride, Loki had no doubt, and placed his arm on Loki's shoulder."You prove yourself stronger than even He had imagined." He spoke to Loki, did not let his voice slither into Loki's mind this time. "You would have killed your brother for His love."_

_"Would have?" Loki's eyes fell back onto his- where his brother had been hung a dead creature he could not identify. Its throat was cut and a hole gaped in its chest. Loki looked at his hand and dropped the misshapen heart to the ground. "What is this?"_

_"A trial and you have passed magnificently." The Other's hand came to the back of Loki's neck. "But never forget, it is He who rules and loves you. It is you who obeys." His hand tightened around Loki's neck, a reminder, a threat. "We require of you a task, but your mind is limited, your world is small. You will come with me, and I will show you worlds you could never have imagined. You will learn their magic and then, when we return, you will bring to us what we require. If you succeed. If you live, you will reign over any world you desire."_

_"Earth." Loki whispered. "I shall rule the Earth."_

_"It will be done. Now follow me." The Other squeezes his hand tighter and the world began to fade. Loki closed his eyes and looked at the stars._

_This was a mistake and there was no turning back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Unfortunately AO3's RTE and html coding are apparently not up to par to show the 'They never loved you' sequence properly formatted/coded, despite my efforts. If you'd like to see what it was supposed to look like, you can find it [here](http://enkanowen.livejournal.com/724569.html) at Livejournal


	3. Chapter 3

Loki wakes with a scream, scrambles up and against the wall. His scream tears Thor from a dreamless sleep. For a moment, Thor is disoriented, not certain where he is until he hears thunder roar and shake the cave. Frigga crouches beside Loki, hands open and facing him so he can see she means no harm. However, Loki is suspicious, Thor can see it in his eyes. After all this time, after all the things he must have seen, this perhaps was the last thing he expects, but Frigga merely moves a little closer and extends her arm to take his hand.  
  
Lightning strikes close by and thunder roars as the cave shakes and when Thor looks up, he sees a crack in the rock above. Fine debris rains on him when lightning strikes again. Odin had found them.  
  
“We cannot stay here!” Thor grabs the satchel by the fire. “We have to move on!”  
  
“I know.” Frigga looks at him, tired, gaunt and he realizes that she is too weak to take them away. She turns to Loki and takes his hands. “Loki, my son, we are no longer safe here.” He tries to pull away from her but her grip is strong. “I need you to focus. Remember where I brought you and Thor when you were but babes?” Loki nods. “Good. Can you take us there? Can you find a safe path?”  
  
The cave shakes once more and Thor wants to urge them on but he feels out of place as though he is intruding upon a tender moment he has no business witnessing. Therefore, surprise takes him when Loki extends his hand, reaches for him, but he does not hesitate. He grabs Loki’s hand, relieved when he feels the warmth as Loki holds tightly on to him. He wants to pull him into an embrace, tell him everything will be all right, but the rock above them groans and shakes.  
  
Suddenly, the world dissolves, changes, and for a moment, Thor can see the stars of a universe he has never seen. He worries. What if Loki remembered the way but cannot find a safe route for them? What if he forgets where they are headed? But before worries can overwhelm Thor’s mind, he feels Loki squeeze his hands and the world reappears slowly. Thor squints as the sun blinds his sight.  
  
“The sun?” He reaches for Loki and his mother as he looks around. They are in the middle of a small meadow. The sun must have risen above the horizon not too long ago. “How long?”  
  
“A day, perhaps two,” Frigga pushes herself off the ground and just then Thor realizes Loki is gone from her side.  
  
“Where did he go?” He feels panic rise.  
  
“I am here.” Loki is standing near the edge of the meadow. “I remember this place. There is a waterfall behind these trees. And the cottage we visited as children.”  
  
He is right. The trees are only a few rows deep before they emerge near a waterfall. The cottage is still there, not as they remembered, more run down, like no one has been there in many, many years. The waterfall ends in a pool which flows into a stream that disappears into the trees. Thor watches Loki kneel beside the stream and dip his hand into the clear water to drink slowly. He looks less the shadow of himself he used to be. Thor’s heart hurts when he remembers the noises Loki made when he-  
  
“Do not trouble yourself with the past.” Frigga stands beside him. “If we let the past haunt us, we will lose ourselves. He has, but slowly, he will find himself again.”  
  
“Father will not stop so easily. We humiliated him, openly declared war with our actions. I could- I never- what he asked me to do. And I did as he asked, mother. His eyes, there was no love for Loki.”  
  
“Your father loves you both equally.” Frigga sighs. “Even if he has momentarily forgotten. Go to him. Your brother needs you.” She gives Thor a sad smile. “And then we must eat.”  
  
The sun is warm on Thor’s skin when he kneels beside his brother in the grass. Loki does not look at him, instead looks at his reflection in the water. Self-hatred clings to him like dew still clings to the grass beneath their legs. There are no words that Thor can possibly utter to banish everything that has happened since Loki’s fall. If only he would have the skill of the Allfather, he would take Loki’s memory, allow him to start anew, but he does not.  
  
“I am so sorry.” He says before he can stop himself. Words are not what Loki needs, but aside from knowing what he needs not, Thor has no idea what to do.  
  
He expects Loki to snap at him, to dismiss him as overly sentimental, anything but him taking his hand and holding it tight. And just like that, Thor understands. Loki has nothing left. All that hatred and pain would have broken a lesser man much sooner. So, in the still damp grass at the side of a stream in mountains that have no name, Thor pulls his brother close and embraces him. He is no longer surprised when he feels Loki’s hand clutch his shirt.  
  
“You are not alone, brother.” Thor holds Loki tight. “You are never alone.”  
  
“You have to leave me.” The words are quiet and distorted by tears.  
  
“What?” Thor pushes Loki back so he can look into his eyes. “I would not abandon you again!”  
  
Loki shakes his head and looks at his knees, ashamed, defeated, unable to ask for help, unable to speak. He shakes like a kicked hound and Thor feels his own heart crack inside his chest. It is not good enough, he had to know, he needs to know what happened to Loki, needs to understand, needs to find a way to help make things right. He takes his brother’s hands into his and squeezes gently.  
  
“Show me.”  
  
Loki looks up at him, eyes widened with surprise.  
  
“Show me, I know you can!” Thor keeps a hold on Loki’s hands when he tries to pull away. “You are not alone. Let me share your burden… please.” He can feel a scratching pain in his throat, feel his chest tighten. He is terrified, terrified of losing his brother once more. “I do not know what else to do…”  
  
There is a crackling in the air for a moment and Thor can feel his fingers tingle and go numb before he is looking at himself hanging over the edge of the rainbow bridge. Loki shows him everything: the madness that came with the fall, meeting The Other, the Chitauri… Him… it does not stop there, and then there are doubts creeping from the corners of Thor’s mind as images, thoughts, memories continue to wash over him. How much more can he take without following his brother into madness? Then, suddenly, he is in an aircraft and watches himself approach and a single emotion washes over him, saturates him to the very core:  
  
 _Relief._ ****  
  
They lay on the grass, exhausted. Thor can feel Loki’s head on his belly. He thinks back to their childhood, back to the earliest memories of his little brother and how he has always used Thor as a pillow. He smiles and puts his hand on Loki’s shoulder. Never alone he thinks and knows Loki can hear him while the bond is still freshly severed. Brothers, always. A long, possibly suffering, sigh comes from Loki.  
  
“I shall repeat it until you accept it, brother.”  
  
“I suppose I cannot fight battles on two fronts and expect to win the war.”  
  
“A wise decision, brother.” Thor pats Loki’s shoulder with a smile and squeezes gently. “We will face whatever evil together. You are not facing your fate alone.”  
  
“Even if-“  
  
“No matter what. And that is the end of it.” Thor sits up and pulls Loki with him “Or I will throw you into the river.”  
  
“You would not dare.” Loki hisses but his smile betrays him. Thor stands and looks down upon his brother, fond, content, happy. “Will you stop looking at me like that, Thor?”  
  
“Then say it.” Thor extends his hand to help Loki up.  
  
“Say what?”  
  
“You know what.”  
  
“You are-“ Loki begins and Thor knows every insult in the book is upon his lips, “-my brother. You are my brother.”  
  
Thunder rolls in the distance as clouds begin to draw near. The storm had found them. Odin had found them. For a moment, Loki looks panicked and Thor can sense him mustering his strength to flee, but he does not. Instead, he stands a little closer to Thor and looks around.  
  
“He found us.” Loki searches the mountain peaks surrounding them. “And we are alone.”  
  
The galloping of horses sounds in the distance and Loki grips Thor’s arm. He is afraid and if Thor is honest, so is he. It would be easy to run again, but then where would they go? The storm was already tearing apart Asgard and this place between the worlds. It would follow them to the ends of all worlds, tearing apart everything between them. Running would only prolong the inevitable: facing Odin, their father together.  
  
“Come,” he pulls at Loki, “inside.”  
  
When they enter the cottage, a small fire is burning in the hearth. A meager spread of dried meat and fish, apples, and a bladder of water lays upon the wooden table in the middle of the room. There are no chairs and the bench beside the hearth looks brittle and worn. The ladder Thor remembers to lead to the beds upstairs had disappeared. It feels like a memory, faded and worn.  
  
“Mother, the storm has come.”  
  
“I know.” Frigga is standing by the window, looking at the sky. “And you both need your strength. Eat.”  
  
Thor is not particularly hungry yet and he can tell his brother has no appetite but when their mother repeats herself with an edge in her voice, they give in. Slowly, they take bites of apples and dried meat. Loki stands beside his mother, leans against the wall, head hung low with regret and apology. She just extends her hand and cups his cheek with a smile.  
  
“You are not alone. Never. We have long forgiven you. And while we are alone-“  
  
The door swings open with a loud crack and nearly disintegrates when it hits the stone wall. Thor’s head snaps around and he grabs the closest weapon, an iron poker for the hearth.  
  
“Not alone!” Thor hears Sif’s familiar voice. “But with friends.”  
  
The Warrior's Three are standing behind Sif in the doorway, but it is the sound of horses and voices drifting from outside that surprises him. A quick glance outside reveals dozens, nay, hundreds of warriors and citizens of Asgard as far as they eye can see. Most are on foot, some with horses and other beasts. Most of them look ragged, tired, but determined. Just outside the cabin, there are wounded, huddled together closely.  
  
  
"What is this?"  
  
  
"War has spread to all reaches of Asgard, Thor."  
  
  
"War? How can there be war? Father looks for us, none else."  
  
  
"You have not heard then?" Her eyes dart from Thor to Frigga to Loki. She narrows her eyes when she sees Loki but Thor appreciates that she says nothing.  
  
  
"No," Thor shakes his head, "we have been gone for a few days."  
  
  
"A few days?" Sif's laughter is hollow. "Thor you have been gone six fortnights. Odin has not left a stone unturned in his furious search for you... and them."  
  
  
"Three months? That is impossible. Mother-"  
  
  
"-was wrong." Frigga stands beside him. "We spent more time between the realms than I had thought. Your brother and I were weak when we weaved a path to this refuge. And now I fear I have done this realm great harm. Even now, Odin draws close. I can feel his presence, his rage. He is not the man I once knew. Sif speaks of a truth I never could have imagined. I wish I could have prevented all this, my sons.” She pauses, a haunted look upon her face. “He draws near quickly. He knows where we are."  
  
The clouds above them churn and darken above them. Thor can hear thunder roll in the distance and he steps closer to Loki and squeezes his arm. He is pale still, and there is fear in his eyes. Sif speaks quietly with Frigga, probably about the wounded outside. His mother's healing magic has always been very strong, a vital asset in what looks to be an upcoming battle. Fandral embraces him, but he feels numb. The stories he hears, months of storms, the kingdom dividing into two beneath Odin's rage. He feels weary, tired, his limbs like lead.  
  
"Perhaps, if I-" Loki begins beside him, but Thor will not allow him to speak those words. Not yet. Not ever.  
  
"No, brother. Not now. Not ever. I will not lose you again."  
  
"What will we do then? Use reason?" Loki raises an eyebrow surely meant to mock Thor, but it does not ring wrong in Thor's ears. What if they could reason with Odin. He mourned Loki as they all did. Somewhere, buried under all the rage- "Really, Thor? That is your plan?"  
  
"Better than you surrendering yourself to whatever torture you think will occur." Thor looks at him and Loki smiles and retorts with snark and before long they have fallen into a comfortable rhythm of conversation built upon loving insult.  
  
"Uh," Fandral interrupts, "while I am glad you have rediscovered your kinship, sons of Odin, we still face a storm and battle."  
  
"We do not." Thor stands tall. "We will face father and end this. There needn't be more bloodshed."  
  
"I suppose the storm will end with Odin convinced, or your death." Sif looks at Thor and shakes her head and Thor knows her thoughts. How could he forgive Loki after all he has done? So, he ushers her out of the cabin. She hisses when they are outside, angry. "How can you sacrifice yourself with... with him?"  
  
"He is my brother." He remembers the moments they had shared in the grass, the horrors Loki had faced. "Nothing can change that."  
  
"Do you trust him not to stab you in the back when you face the Allfather?"  
  
"Yes." There is no doubt in his mind.  
  
Sif pauses and studies him. He can feel she is torn. She in particular has felt Loki's perceived betrayal deep within her. Sometimes, Thor wonders if things had turned out different, they would have developed feelings, perhaps even love. He looks at her and thunder rolls closer now. The skies are nearly black. Before he can say anything else, Loki and their mother step out of the cabin.  
  
Thunder cracks above them and for a brief moment, Thor's mind conjures an image of two armies facing on a battle ground, but the enemy is not Odin, it is someone, something much worse. His head snaps toward Loki who is suddenly pale and stares at him.  
  
  
"Loki, did-"  
  
  
"Yes." He nods and stands beside Thor and just then, the thunder changes to a roar and the sound of galloping horses drowns out all else. They run and climb the incline by the waterfall to see beyond the mountain range. It is indeed an army and not a search party, thousands of warriors on horse and beast armed and clad in armour. They seek battle and in comparison the few hundred men and women in the glade cannot possibly last more than mere minutes before they all will be cut down. At their front, Odin rides upon Sleipnir, the bright glow of his sceptre bathing him in an eerie light.  
  
  
"Together then." Thor looks down the mountain slope, narrow path winding alongside the wider road.  
  
  
"Unless you will reconsider my earlier offer."  
  
  
"No."  
  
  
"Well, you are Thor, oafish son of Odin."  
  
  
"Not tonight." He squeezes his brother's shoulder. "Tonight we are sons of Frigga until our father is restored."  
  
  
"And if he is not?"  
  
  
"Then we shall remain brothers and sons of our mother."  
  
  
"Such a waxing poet you have become, brother."  
  
  
"Shut up," Thor smiles, "I love you."  
  
  
The incline is a little steeper here and Loki must be using it as an excuse to concentrate on the path before he replies.  
  
  
"I know." He finally says. And something else but the wind carries away his words.  
  
  
Together, they stand at the foot of the mountain, waiting for Odin and his army to arrive. The wind carries them fast and Thor and Loki stand strong in the middle of the road, blocking their path, unarmed with tattered clothes. They know they have no chance in battle even if Loki finds the strength for magic, perhaps if Thor had mjolnir. However, the hammer is abandoned somewhere, perhaps with Odin. Thor has not felt its presence so either the hammer has betrayed him or it does not lie near. Thor does not take Loki's hand when Odin and a small group pull away from the bulk and ride toward them. He does not need to. Their fate has tied them closely together in the face of Odin's wrath.  
  
"Father!" Thor shouts when Sleipnir comes to a halt. He will not allow Odin to speak first, to chastise them like little boys. "Stop this madness, father!"  
  
"Madness?" Odin tilts his head. "Is it madness to bring justice to a monger of war?" The sceptre glows in a gentle blue and the metal patch above Odin's eye responds in kind. Thor has seen it already when Loki softly nudges him with his mind. This is not Odin's war, it is someone else's.  
  
"Who controls the Allfather?!" He shouts. "Who brings war upon my home?! Show yourself, coward!"  
  
"None control the Allfather, my dear boy," Odin merely chuckles. "If you step away from this criminal of war, the bloodshed will end. I shall take him and we will be the family we once were."  
  
"He is my brother! Your son! You cannot have forgotten that!"  
  
"Please," Loki finds his voice, "I will go."  
  
"Loki you cannot!" Thor grabs Loki's arm when he steps forward.  
  
"The bloodshed has to end."  
  
"If you go with father-"  
  
"I am not going with our father." Loki gently extracts himself from Thor's grip. "I am going with the true adversary we are facing." He looks just above Odin into the sky. "Thanos."  
  
There is laughter but it comes not from Odin or the party with him. For a moment, he thinks Loki to have fallen back into madness but in the sky, swirls of energy begin to churn and flow and form patterns until they reveal a figure, as tall as a frost giant, broader, skin a festering putrid purple, and another smaller one, shrouded in a cloak. . He wears armour but not enough for someone facing an army. Thor's heart sinks when he realizes the figure beside him, face hidden, is The Other, is the one who tortured his brother. Odin and the riders surround him disappear into thin air.  
  
"Indeed." Thanos extends his hand toward Loki. "You have disappointed me, child."  
  
"Someone told me I lacked conviction." Loki steps toward him. “I have come to agree.”

“You will come with us then.”  
  
"I will." He hesitates for a moment. "Our father?"  
  
"Asleep in his bed with not a shred of memory of this. Our quarrel is not with him."  
  
Loki nods and stands beside The Other, relaxed and calm. Thor wants to attack, wants to shout, but he finds himself paralyzed and when Loki turns to look at him, he knows his brother cast that spell on him. He smiles a sad smile, in apology, thank you, I love you.  
  
"We are not cruel." The Other speaks slowly as he stands behind Loki. "Say goodbye to your brother."  
  
"Thor, I-" his words are cut off when a blade slices across Loki's jugular and blood swells and bursts from the cut like the water fell down the mountain. Thor wants to scream, fights against the invisible bonds that hold him, but Loki's magic holds, saves him from being wiped from existence. He locks his gaze on Loki's as the blood drenches the front of his shirt and trousers and begins to pool in the dirt below his feet. The Other holds him upright and as Loki's eyes begin to glaze over, Thor can feel the magic weaken. The spurts of blood begin to slow with Loki's heart and Thor can feel the moment life has left him when the magic releases him.  
  
"The debt is paid." Thanos and The Other disappear and Thor rushes to catch Loki's body as it falls.  
  
There are no tears in him, no words he can form. Surely, he should be crying as he lifts his brother's body off the ground and begins to carry him back up the mountain, but he feels nothing. No tears, no curses, no sobs of despair. All that spreads within him is an emptiness unlike he has ever known before.  
  
The climb is steep. The path that had been treacherous on the way down is nigh impossible now. It feels as though for every step Thor takes, he slides back another. Loose rocks moving beneath his feet without warning. Loki's body is heavy in Thor's arms, but he cannot leave him behind. He cannot. Loki needs to be returned to his mother's arms, to his family, to the place where he belongs. He cries out when he nearly falls, rocks cutting into his knee. Sweat beads on his forehead and stings in his eyes, but he cannot stop, not now. I am stronger than this mountain, I will bring Loki home, he thinks to himself over and over again as he fights his way up the side of the mountain.  
  
Soon, Thor dares to look up once more, and there it is, the peak of the ridge, just a few paces ahead of him. Elated, he pushes forward, just a few paces, just a mo- the rocks beneath his feet shift but a small fraction, but it takes Thor by surprise, throws him off balance until he falls, unable to catch himself, tumbling down the slope until a large boulder stops him. The force of impact takes Thor's breath and sight for a few moments. He is disoriented, exhausted, but when he sees Loki's body, broken and maimed by the jagged, sharp rocks, something inside him breaks and he doubles over with a desperate cry.  
  
"No," he hears himself whisper, "brother, no."  
  
Everything inside him churns and tears with grief and desperation as he drags himself over to his brother's body. He can feel the bite of cold on his skin. He knows he is bleeding from cuts all over his body, but he cares not. When he pushes Loki onto his back, something in his throat constricts and takes his breath away. The pain of grief emanates from every cell inside his body and he clutches his brother's tunic as his ragged sobs echo through the mountain air.  
  
"No!" He hears Frigga's scream through the haze of his mind, but he does not turn his head. Instead, he holds his brother's hand and closes his eyes.  Everything seems far away, as though the world is submerged in the sea.  There are hands upon him, trying to pull him away from Loki, trying to pull him to his feet.Perhaps he fights the hands, he cannot be certain. It is not until he hears his mother's voice whisper into his ear, her arms wrapped around him that the world comes back to focus.  
  
Somehow, he finds himself standing on the path upon the ridge just as it slopes down back to the forest, the cottage, and the river, where not long ago he had been truly reunited with his brother. Grief begins to burn his throat and he wipes at the tears which flow freely down his cheeks and catch in his beard. Beside him, Sif and the Warriors Three carry Loki's body between them, wrapped carefully in the cloth of a cloak. None of them disguise their tears. His mother walks beside them, grief etched deeply into her face. The path follows along the river and when Thor sees the Salmon jump, all he can think of is that never again will he be able to listen to Loki's banter when he tries to catch them with his bare hands.  
  
Carefully, they place Loki's body on the grass beside the river. Thor sits beside him on the banks  and stares into the water, watching the salmon swim and jump along it. The sun breaks through the clouds and when the salmon jumps again, its scales glisten in gold and green. For a moment, Thor thinks his eyes play tricks on him, but when the salmon jumps again, he can hear his brother’s laugh inside his mind.  
  
Thor nearly throws himself into the waters, chasing after the fish with cries of joy. ** ******  
  


                                                                                                                                                                   

                                                   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          _fin._  


 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Two Illustrations for Enk's "When You Stare Into the Abyss"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/565063) by [rexluscus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexluscus/pseuds/rexluscus)




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